new roles

Loss, Gifts, and New Roles

“He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

This verse has been one of my favorites for a very long time, but today the meaning is profoundly new. I wouldn’t have asked for the circumstances that came my way as a means of illuminating this verse in a new way, but I will not reject it either. A quietness that only the Holy Spirit can bring, and His song becoming that gentle whisper telling me He is nearby. See: I Kings 19:12.

 

Losing My Mom

As I shared in my February letter my mother went to be with the Lord. Suddenly, one day, I was no longer sharing life with her. It has been a difficult time for me in so many ways. The past two years I was the sole caregiver – and the “general” that kept the staff at the nursing home on their toes for two months while she was recovering from her last injuries which shattered both her knee cap and her elbow. Just a few months prior it was her wrist that was shattered. She recovered beautifully, both times, and each time happily went back to work!  In fact, Reno Orthopedic Clinic told her: “For an 87 year old, you recovered more quickly than some young people….and with a great attitude.”  She was an incredible woman, my mom.

Then a few months ago….shingles. She never fully recovered. She never had a chance, and it did horrendous things to her body. Just before that we were planning activities with loved ones, and thinking about the coming year – then suddenly she was gone. I fully expected her to recover…..one more time.

As prayer ministers the verse we quote so often is the 5th commandment that tells us to honor our mother and father so that it will go well with us. I can say that it is well – in my soul!  It was such an honor to be there for her – especially in this high tech, fast-paced world. I fear for those of the “silent generation” who do not have family to take care of them, and their affairs. In fact, my prayer is that advocates will rise up for that generation.

I had the privilege of being there to take my mother to all her appointments, care for her when recovering, listen to her, love her and pray for her. While suffering with shingles I would lay next to her in bed, hold her hand, and pray for her. Sometimes all she could do was squeeze my hand and say “Amen.” I miss holding her hand and just loving her. We talked about heaven, all her angels that constantly watched over her, and Jesus. It was a quiet love. I hold those memories close to my heart.

One of the last things she said to me was, “My days on this earth are over and I am going to heaven to meet my Savior.”  My blood relatives were not with me in ICU, but my brothers and sisters, in Christ, came in one after the other – to hold me, to hold me up, to pray for me, and as she took her last breath, to let her know I was not alone. God continues to prove to me the amazing support system I have.

 

Gifts

My brother, who I had not seen in 25 years, came from NY for the memorial service. What a gift for me – to have him there to (literally) lean on. I did the eulogy, and he gave me permission to share what he wrote on a Face book page:

“Lost my Mom this past Monday, life’s fate kept us apart for way too many years. I feel like I lost a lot of both of our lives. Keep your family close to you because you really don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Love You Mom.”

I closed with that quote, and an admonition for all present, to honor your mother and father.

Father God arranged it so that my mother and I would be living together and begin to develop a relationship that we had never had before. I urge anyone one of you who may be estranged from your parents – take action. My mother needed casts, braces, wheel chair, walker, cane, and physical therapy to even be able to walk again. A broken family and/or broken relationships also need many different components to have things set straight as well, and without “therapy” they will never walk the same again. Let each of us search our hearts and find what “therapy” means in our circumstances.

 

New Role

Since my mothers death I am not the same person, and I know that deep within my soul and spirit. Something happened at mom’s bedside in ICU as I lay crumbled on the floor. I felt something happening that is yet to be fully defined. I spent my entire life protecting my mother even when I did not know I was doing it. At a very young age I made this decision and it became locked in to the very depth of my being – so much so that it became my identity. My spirit was slumbering, in that area, because I was “living for someone else.” God, through the Holy Spirit, was waiting so that he could set me free from playing God, and so that he could be God in my relationship with my mother. But my vow had me locked there.

When I started getting inner healing (13 years ago) I was learning about this, but this area could never be reached until this year. I was in control because that was all I knew. Just one month before my mother went to be with the Lord, I did something I had been putting off for a long time. I gave this job to the Lord Jesus. My mother is now resting in the arms of Jesus. And, I am learning who I am without this role.

The redeeming part of this story is that by being so strong, and knowing how to stand firm, I was actually in a perpetual training ground for me as a warrior for the Kingdom of God. It wreaked havoc on me because I was taking the place of God.  But God does not waste anything. I have always been a fierce and zealous advocate for protecting mom – and those in harm. John the Baptist had an ardent zeal to share the kingdom of heaven. Some versions saw “violent” zeal (Matt. 11:12). Mom did not give me the name Louise (mighty maiden warrior) for nothing. God knew what birthright I should have. Thank you mom!

 

Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name. He made my mouth like a sharpened sword; in the shadow of his hand he hid me. He made me a polished arrow and concealed me in his quiver.”

Isa.49:1,2

He is polishing me, in this season, so that I can hit the target – so to speak. And preparing me to speak in such a fashion that it will be His sharpened sword. And it will be precise! It is another season of being “hidden.” I have known seasons of this likeness, but this is in a whole new realm. I am resting in His quiver, close to His heart, and waiting for Him to evenly line me up with the bow – and go with the wind. The wind of his Spirit that takes me on a journey that is defined with precise boundaries.

 

Taking a Break

Recently I have been researching my volumes of journals, notes, poems and prophetic words from the past 30 years, and I found the following portion of a prophetic word given to me from former Executive Director at Elijah House, Gene Neiderkliene. While there for an intensive in 2002 the Holy Spirit said through him:

“The Lord will hide his warriors. Because of this isolation he is protecting you……You will be imparting, and not necessarily to large groups, but the impact on them will influence large groups. When the time comes you will not teach, you will impart…..” This is happening.

 

In order for me to further advance the already fulfilled prophecy for MLM I will need to have that necessary (and overdue) sabbatical/vacation. The greatest years of my life, with my mother, were these past two years. But care giving, and with a busier ministry work schedule than ever, it has taken it’s toll on me.

On high alert, my 17 intercessors and some friends saw what shape I was in, and at the memorial service (where 50 of them came) they were in cahoots raising money for me to get out of town…and get some sessions for myself. That I did. And there was tremendous fruit. It wasn’t until my prayer minister pointed it out to me – did I realize how totally exhausted I am. Thank you, again, all of you who raised the money, and for all that were praying! Now, I will be planning a vacation for some time in the future. When I told one young woman on staff at my church that I have not taken a vacation in years, she said, “Not having a vacation in years should be illegal!”  I like that.

Oswald Chambers/My Upmost for His Highest said:

“Whenever God gives a vision to a saint, he puts him, as it were, in the shadow of his hand, and the saint’s duty is to be still and listen. There is a darkness which comes from excess of light, and then is the time to listen. For example Genesis 16. God gives a vision and darkness follows – wait. God will make you in accordance with the vision he has given you if you will wait his time.”

 

I am resting; I am listening; I am celebrating what I inherited from my mother; I am soaking in the thoughts of that singing arrow; and I am learning, anew, of His quiet love.

~Louise Zevan